The Delta variant of COVID-19 hit our community about three and a bit weeks ago, at some point it probably was going to happen however the country had done well to keep it within our Isolation facilities for people returning home to NZ for months, this returned NZ back into "lockdown". End or March/April 2020 we had our first "lockdown" due to COVID-19 hitting our shores. We had about 6 weeks in full isolation and then slowly moved between our alert levels to enjoy many months of pretty normal life.
This time round, we have had a split in alert level between Auckland and the rest of the country. This has been good from a point of view that a lot of people have been able to return back to work with additional control measures in place to keep everyone safe from any community spread of this delta variant. However Auckland is still in full lockdown and even though we are only half way through what we did last year, this time it feels different.
For me I have found the last week really hard, I have found that a few things triggered me more than usual. I had some days which are ok and others which I am left with an unsettled feeling in the gut. I feel quite unsettled and missing a bit of wider human contact. I also worked out that when I start feeling like this my first move is to withdraw. I withdraw from the family, withdraw from work, withdraw a bit from society in general which to be far is not that hard to do in current circumstances. I was so busy and involved at home with family (hockey for us, basketball/swimming for the boy) and then busy at work, which was then disrupted with breaking my ankle playing hockey and then I had just got some freedom to be able to drive myself and head into work for a day and then the next day we were in "lockdown". The time at home as been good for rehab and having my family home with me too however it also meant we have missed out on doing things be it work related or going away for a weekend with our friends.
My default with withdrawing is something that generally I have felt has helped me, I am an introvert at heart and probably someone that likes time to be a deep thinker. However the older I get the more I think this tactic is not helping so much because all I end up doing is withdrawing without the thinking or fixing. I also think this time round, having the sore ankle which means I cannot do everything I would normally do with the family during "lockdown" as meant I have been further isolated. I am getting into a rut of getting up and doing the same thing with little reward or interactions which give me energy. I am also sometimes not a very nice person as I get grumpy or less patient or get overly sensitive or all of the above.
During this last week, I think the work part has had the biggest part to play in my wellbeing and this is the trick with having a job that you do because you feel you can make a difference however sometimes these roles are within organisations that go from leaving you alone to do your own thing, to trying to put you into a box and following a program or initiatives that you do not believe will have as much of an impact on your people and workplace as they believe or their motivation is still compliance driven. It also could be just me and where my perspective is at the moment. I am a creative person who likes to think big, keep an eye of the future state while understanding and checking in on the current state, find solutions that will make people's lives easier and feel like I have some control over the direction of our wider team as while as my direct team.
What a combination, feeling isolated and like I have limited control of the things that generally give me reward and generate energy. I had a moment of relief in the weekend, when I watched the end of a movie on Netflix, the end of the movie basically made me cry like a baby (which is not generally that unusual - am known to have a wee cry during a lot of movies that I watch) however this time it felt more to do with me than the movie. After I let myself just cry for a bit, I composed myself and then felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. It made for a fun evening with the family where we enjoyed a great fresh dinner, new dessert and then did a sleep over in our lounge watching a good family animation with a bit of wrestling and silliness during the ads.
Not sure how this week will go, maybe I am having a bit of anxiety over the next Government announcement on Monday where the optimist in me would love to hear the we will be coming out of Alert Level 4 this coming week and then the realist in me thinks it might be another week or so to go. It is a time to remember my circle of control/circle of influence and maybe put some time aside for me to work through what is a solid mental wellbeing plan for. I have a few things I do and it does help however the effects are not as long lasting as it used to be and that has more to do with me than anything else. Need to go back to my sporting career and find that routine that was with me majority of the time when I played in my later years however it was also not a huge burden on me to remember to do because I believed in it, it gave me time to reflect, reset and then forget and move on.
It is okay, to not be okay.
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